"Straight up now tell me do you wanna love me forever?" .. um well.. Paula honey.. forever's a long time and uh...
Now Austin will tell you that he is one of those people who is secretly fascinated by Paula Abdul -- is she or isn't she on drugs? -- if so, what? -- did her doctor give her the wrong meds? -- did he give her the right ones and she doesn't take them? -- etcetera etcetera --
I however, am a little, well.. over it. I mean a handful of has-beens are recycled every year in the form of guest spots, talk shows, book deals, hosting gigs, etcetera -- and although it's always a treat, there comes a point when you remember why you allowed them to fall off the planet in the first place.
That time has come. and gone.
Don't get me wrong, I love her brand of crazy. In fact it's one of favorites. But it's just too sporatic for me. It's not outrageous enough. I need her to OWN her crazy. I need her to see the money pool of fandom that is interested in watching her be a lunatic and just swan dive right into it. In other words, she's gonna have to check out of the crazyland motel and buy some real estate there or I'm out.
Three's a crowd they say and it's certainly starting to feel a little cramped in the "look at me" corner of the entertainment world.
In the ring we have Lady Gaga, Grace Jones and Nicki Minaj all duking it out to be a walking talking Andy Warhol painting and all claiming they are the original.
Well I got news for all three of you.. Cher, Madonna and Tina Turner made performance art what it is today and they didn't have to wear meat on their head to do it. If anyone should be arguing about who the queen diva is it should be those three. umkay?
Also -- Dear Nicki Minaj, you are NOT Lady Gaga -- Dear Lady Gaga you should not be boring yet, but you ARE -- and Dear Grace Jones, Iman can pull off androgynous beauty, you my dear CANNOT..
p.s. is the hip hop community really hurtin' for more ass and bad weave? just sayin.
Let's be for real, Charlie Sheen makes two million dollars an episode to "play" a rude, sex crazed single man who lazes around his house all day.. umm seriously?
First of all if I had that much money the last person on earth I'd be spending an alleged blow and booze filled weekend with is "Bombshell" McGee.. *insert mental video clip of Jesse James asking him how his ass tastes*.. yum.
Secondly how is it that you have enough taste to procreate with beautiful, classy women, but not enough sense to stay with any of them?
Thirdly your emmy nominated, walk of fame father is embarassed. please stop.
So apparently my younger brother and co-conspirator Austin Benjamin, has decided that his standard period of half-assing and procrastination to be my co-blogger has expired and he is now ready to talk some smack.
I know this because he emailed me last night a list of various media rants including, but not limited to the posts for today that will follow this one.. I have tweaked them a bit to incorporate my own perspectives which in my opinion is the truest recipe for funny (austin+lacy+state of the entertainment industry = this site in all its glory)..
This "epiphany" as the above mentioned email was titled, comes at no better a time, as I was just thinking of reviving the site a little and needed a couple ounces of motivation myself.
So without further ado.. I give you today's posts, courtesy of Austin's late night vision...
Hats off to Paris Hilton, who made the idea of being famous for nothing what it is today (but ironically overcame her own trademark)
As with anything there are those who followed in her footsteps i.e. Heidi & Spencer, Kim Kardashian, Levi Johnston, Jon Gosselin, and well... everyone from Reality TV ever.. These people are so far beyond stupid that they will say ridiculous things like "I don't care what people think of me!" When ideally that is EXACTLY what they care about. But then.... they do what would appear to be a terrible job of furthering their "careers".. pulling crazy publicity stunts and releasing "albums" and all sorts of other heinous spin-offs of their niche crazy to gather more "negative" attention... Hmmmm *Head Scratching* *Freudian Chin Rubbing*...
*Light Bulb*
Wait! Do these assumed morons have a Queen P trick up their sleeves after all? I say to you my fellow media whores... When they fall, do we not watch? ...When they sue, do we not vote on TMZ? ....When they record songs, do we not buy them iTunes so we can play them in drunken situations and laugh about it with our friends? So I ask you.. is someone playing with a different deck of cards, perhaps?
Food for thought in the world of idiots that we can't wait to tune in for weekly..
Now for the fun part, let's all watch Danielle Staub pull a Kim Zolciak and woefully embarass herself... or did she??
Crystal Bowersox tweeted a pic of her once meth-head teeth lookin' Colgate commercial ready this morning. Awesome! Now I can watch you sing instead of thinkin' about how you smuggled your crackpipe onto the plane...
So I'm gonna need Mickey Rourke to go back to the 80's and stay there. Thanks.
In all seriousness though, I was like 9 1/2 weeks old when that came out, so I have no educated opinions of his glory days... I've seen it and he was kinda hot, but other than that I didn't know much of the guy until he was regurgitated from the has-been stomach of Hollywood a couple years ago.
However... I have seen Jersey Shore and stop me if I'm wrong, but isn't this guy like a 60 year old version of Ronnie?
I mean every time I see him he looks like a geriatric ad for the Armani Exchange.
Ummm, you do know you didn't just receive news of a terminal illness, correct?
Is she confused? I know I am.
Because I thought that she'd essentially avoided following 70% of what the court ordered her to do for like three years now...
Does someone telling you that's not allowed and that you've hit the end of the line in excuses, really dictate this much surprise emotion?
And uhh, P.S. you're not goin' to like Alcatraz or anything.. I mean, I don't know exactly where they're gonna put you for the like 2 weeks you'll probably end up actually going, but it's probably gonna have red bull and photography classes, so don't worry...
In case you have been under a rock for the last year.. this is Levi Johnston. In reality the mere fact that America knows his name is a sad statement of our values. As he is the guy who knocked-up the teenage daughter of the ex-vice presidential candidate.
Yes, one step up from being Elton John's, brother's, neighbor's, pool boy, I know. But in our cultures entertainment currency this calculates into like forty-five minutes of fame.
Word on the street is this guy is not only posing for Playgirl, but is getting his own reality show, wherein he may find "love".... are you serious Ryan Seacrest, MTV, or CW ?!? *Whichever bought into this crap..*
No, that is not Travis Barkers' mom... this lovely specimen is the competition for Oscar-Winner Sandy Bullock. Yes, I'm serious. Bad boy wanna-be Jesse James has all but come clean this week issuing a statement about the accusations that he allegedly had an affair with Dita Von Skank up there. Sources say the Mrs. has packed up her Oscar and moved to her mom's. Wouldn't you? I mean can you imagine what he's leavin' on toilet seats!?
Reality shows make up the bulk of my normal programming. It's a disease, I know, but alas there is no treatment. Although in an effort to tame my addiction I put a cap on the number of shows I tune into regularly, as it had gotten somewhat out of hand and in doing so it has become virtually impossible for me to include anymore VH1, E! and/or MTV bases series' into my weekly line-up. It's a sad truth, but even sadder is that I cannot control what media is filtered into the programming I do watch.
Therefore I find myself at a precipice. My attention is a fickle thing and if I'm say watching an episode of my regularly scheduled 20/20 and they are doing an expose on Hollywood's now infamous "Burglar Bunch" and they just happen to say.. mention that one of the members of said "Burglar Bunch" has a reality show called "Pretty Wild" that's about to premiere that was being filmed during the real heat of the whole saga... Far be it from me to not at least check out the first episode for further details... I'm just sayin'...
So I set the ole DVR for Sunday's nights episode. But as I said before I got a lotta shows I'm tuning in for right now (Desperate Housewives anyone?) and needless to say it got TiVo peoples-choiced into oblivion... So I had to fish for the re-run which happened to air after last nights Idol and well... If E! reality show fever is a sickness... I think I may be cured.
I literally felt like I was watching a horror movie. I kept flinching, covering my eyes, my ears. Pausing and saying things like "did she really just say that" and "some people should really be neutered."
Yes, it was THAT bad.
I thought I had seen airheads before... I mean if you've watched more than one episode of The Hills, you've basically been exposed to the naive of the naive.. But these girls are like seriously on the verge of needing special classes.
I could explain some of the scenarios that led to this conclusion or I could be really mean and tell you to go watch it, but I won't do any of that. I think the show speaks so highly of itself that I'll let it do just that... Here are a few quotes from Sunday nights premiere episode... you tell me...
"I had them all evaluated and they were told that they had ADHD. So every morning I give the girls Adderall." -The Ex-Playmate Mom, as she gets the bottle from the cabinet and passes them out like candy.
"I home school the girls four days a week. I'm basing all the curriculum on the movie "The Secret" - The Mom (She is serious.. CPS whaaatt?)
"It says in the song.. sliding down from heaven on stripper a pole... And I was like, that's totally me!" - Alexis Neiers talking about how she wants to be in her friends music video.
A few weeks ago I did a Top 5 List of things I never want to hear about again... and I think it's become necessary that I give you the expansion pack.
6. Charlie "D-Bag" Sheen: I feel like doing a "Really!? with Seth & Amy" for this one. He is truly giving Tiger Woods and Spencer Pratt a run for their money in the race to become King Chotch. For me it's sorta sad considering how near and dear to my heart both his brother and father are. Can we say black sheep? Or better yet.. anger management?
How many women need to accuse him of threatening to murder them before he looks less appealing to the dating market. He might as well get a warning label tattooed to his ass... "CAUTION: Will impregnate you, threaten your life and #@&% up your car."
7. Tiger Woods: Normally I would be really into this whole saga, as it would appear their is more juice to come in the days ahead. And honestly, if I'd thrown in the towel when I wanted to I'd have missed the glorious mister roboto apology, so I'm grateful to have stuck it out this long. But folks I'm worn out..
And when Howard Stern gets involved, it's really become an SNL spoof of itself anyhow, right?
8. Erin Andrews... and her stalker: Call me the ultimate cynic, but shouldn't she be sending a thank you card to this guy? Show of hands.. who knew her name before this happened? *Crickets* ... Anyone? ....Anyone? ... Bueller?... Bueller?
Last nights Idol was for me ironically hysterical.
Lemme tell ya why...
For those of you who don't know, everyday from 5:30 to 8:00 on TBS you can watch re-runs of Seinfeld, Friends and The Office non-stop for those two and half hours. Basically it's a buffer for those of us self-proclaimed boob-tubers who can't get enough of witty sitcom banter and who need a bridge from afternoon talk shows into late night prime time. Although this is the time when it is reasonable to begin having a real life before returning to the sofa for a nights worth of Tivo, I admittedly rarely miss watching at least one episode in this time slot. Last night I was able to fit in one episode of Friends and two episodes of Seinfeld before stopping to watch Idol.
The one Friends I did catch was indeed a classic, it was Season 7's "The One with Joey's Award".. For those of you who love Friends as much as I do, you know that this is the episode where Joey is nominated for the not-so-holy-grail of the soap opera awards, a "Soapie." Although he is convinced he will win, Rachel encourages him to practice his "gracious loser" face just in case he doesn't and the cameras are on him. We all know this face well. The oh-it-wasn't-me-but-that's-okay-because-it's-you face usually accompanied by a little clap and if you're really feeling it a standing ovation.
And in keeping with sitcom rules, he in fact doesn't win, so we, the viewers, can bask in the comedy glory of what happens when he forgets to use his gracious loser face and curses into the camera raising his fists before realizing and correcting himself.
Well... I don't know if they have TBS on in the green room at FOX, but someone musta told Lilly Scott to start practicing her "humble winner" face, which is very similar to the "gracious loser" face, but has a few extra elements including but not limited to gasps, tears, hugs, and the every popular, mouthing "Thank You" to the camera.
But most importantly consists of layin' on a really thick coat of I-don't-think-it's-gonna-be-me, and boy does she bring out the big guns. She worked the doe-eyes, lip biting, and forehead scrunching, for all they were worth...
Let's just say that this chick really thought she had this in the bag.
As did we all honestly.. I mean just the other day I was sayin' she was in my top picks, but I guess America wasn't buyin' what she was sellin' because she got the boot. The news came as she stood side-by-side with 16-year-old Katie Stevens, who is adorable and vocally strong, but in my opinion and apparently in Lilly's seemed like the easier choice for dismissal last night.
But it didn't happen that way... And boy is Lilly surprised... watch for around the 1:50 mark.. her face is priceless... You can actually see her mouth WTF...
NOTE: Check out Todrick Hall too, in two commerical breaks he's gone from humbled by the opportunity, to pissed the hell off, LOL.
