No, that is not Travis Barkers' mom... this lovely specimen is the competition for Oscar-Winner Sandy Bullock. Yes, I'm serious. Bad boy wanna-be Jesse James has all but come clean this week issuing a statement about the accusations that he allegedly had an affair with Dita Von Skank up there. Sources say the Mrs. has packed up her Oscar and moved to her mom's. Wouldn't you? I mean can you imagine what he's leavin' on toilet seats!?
Reality shows make up the bulk of my normal programming. It's a disease, I know, but alas there is no treatment. Although in an effort to tame my addiction I put a cap on the number of shows I tune into regularly, as it had gotten somewhat out of hand and in doing so it has become virtually impossible for me to include anymore VH1, E! and/or MTV bases series' into my weekly line-up. It's a sad truth, but even sadder is that I cannot control what media is filtered into the programming I do watch.
Therefore I find myself at a precipice. My attention is a fickle thing and if I'm say watching an episode of my regularly scheduled 20/20 and they are doing an expose on Hollywood's now infamous "Burglar Bunch" and they just happen to say.. mention that one of the members of said "Burglar Bunch" has a reality show called "Pretty Wild" that's about to premiere that was being filmed during the real heat of the whole saga... Far be it from me to not at least check out the first episode for further details... I'm just sayin'...
So I set the ole DVR for Sunday's nights episode. But as I said before I got a lotta shows I'm tuning in for right now (Desperate Housewives anyone?) and needless to say it got TiVo peoples-choiced into oblivion... So I had to fish for the re-run which happened to air after last nights Idol and well... If E! reality show fever is a sickness... I think I may be cured.
I literally felt like I was watching a horror movie. I kept flinching, covering my eyes, my ears. Pausing and saying things like "did she really just say that" and "some people should really be neutered."
Yes, it was THAT bad.
I thought I had seen airheads before... I mean if you've watched more than one episode of The Hills, you've basically been exposed to the naive of the naive.. But these girls are like seriously on the verge of needing special classes.
I could explain some of the scenarios that led to this conclusion or I could be really mean and tell you to go watch it, but I won't do any of that. I think the show speaks so highly of itself that I'll let it do just that... Here are a few quotes from Sunday nights premiere episode... you tell me...
"I had them all evaluated and they were told that they had ADHD. So every morning I give the girls Adderall." -The Ex-Playmate Mom, as she gets the bottle from the cabinet and passes them out like candy.
"I home school the girls four days a week. I'm basing all the curriculum on the movie "The Secret" - The Mom (She is serious.. CPS whaaatt?)
"It says in the song.. sliding down from heaven on stripper a pole... And I was like, that's totally me!" - Alexis Neiers talking about how she wants to be in her friends music video.
A few weeks ago I did a Top 5 List of things I never want to hear about again... and I think it's become necessary that I give you the expansion pack.
6. Charlie "D-Bag" Sheen: I feel like doing a "Really!? with Seth & Amy" for this one. He is truly giving Tiger Woods and Spencer Pratt a run for their money in the race to become King Chotch. For me it's sorta sad considering how near and dear to my heart both his brother and father are. Can we say black sheep? Or better yet.. anger management?
How many women need to accuse him of threatening to murder them before he looks less appealing to the dating market. He might as well get a warning label tattooed to his ass... "CAUTION: Will impregnate you, threaten your life and #@&% up your car."
7. Tiger Woods: Normally I would be really into this whole saga, as it would appear their is more juice to come in the days ahead. And honestly, if I'd thrown in the towel when I wanted to I'd have missed the glorious mister roboto apology, so I'm grateful to have stuck it out this long. But folks I'm worn out..
And when Howard Stern gets involved, it's really become an SNL spoof of itself anyhow, right?
8. Erin Andrews... and her stalker: Call me the ultimate cynic, but shouldn't she be sending a thank you card to this guy? Show of hands.. who knew her name before this happened? *Crickets* ... Anyone? ....Anyone? ... Bueller?... Bueller?
Last nights Idol was for me ironically hysterical.
Lemme tell ya why...
For those of you who don't know, everyday from 5:30 to 8:00 on TBS you can watch re-runs of Seinfeld, Friends and The Office non-stop for those two and half hours. Basically it's a buffer for those of us self-proclaimed boob-tubers who can't get enough of witty sitcom banter and who need a bridge from afternoon talk shows into late night prime time. Although this is the time when it is reasonable to begin having a real life before returning to the sofa for a nights worth of Tivo, I admittedly rarely miss watching at least one episode in this time slot. Last night I was able to fit in one episode of Friends and two episodes of Seinfeld before stopping to watch Idol.
The one Friends I did catch was indeed a classic, it was Season 7's "The One with Joey's Award".. For those of you who love Friends as much as I do, you know that this is the episode where Joey is nominated for the not-so-holy-grail of the soap opera awards, a "Soapie." Although he is convinced he will win, Rachel encourages him to practice his "gracious loser" face just in case he doesn't and the cameras are on him. We all know this face well. The oh-it-wasn't-me-but-that's-okay-because-it's-you face usually accompanied by a little clap and if you're really feeling it a standing ovation.
And in keeping with sitcom rules, he in fact doesn't win, so we, the viewers, can bask in the comedy glory of what happens when he forgets to use his gracious loser face and curses into the camera raising his fists before realizing and correcting himself.
Well... I don't know if they have TBS on in the green room at FOX, but someone musta told Lilly Scott to start practicing her "humble winner" face, which is very similar to the "gracious loser" face, but has a few extra elements including but not limited to gasps, tears, hugs, and the every popular, mouthing "Thank You" to the camera.
But most importantly consists of layin' on a really thick coat of I-don't-think-it's-gonna-be-me, and boy does she bring out the big guns. She worked the doe-eyes, lip biting, and forehead scrunching, for all they were worth...
Let's just say that this chick really thought she had this in the bag.
As did we all honestly.. I mean just the other day I was sayin' she was in my top picks, but I guess America wasn't buyin' what she was sellin' because she got the boot. The news came as she stood side-by-side with 16-year-old Katie Stevens, who is adorable and vocally strong, but in my opinion and apparently in Lilly's seemed like the easier choice for dismissal last night.
But it didn't happen that way... And boy is Lilly surprised... watch for around the 1:50 mark.. her face is priceless... You can actually see her mouth WTF...
NOTE: Check out Todrick Hall too, in two commerical breaks he's gone from humbled by the opportunity, to pissed the hell off, LOL.
The 38-year old former child star was pronounced dead a little after 2 am this morning. All signs point to accidental overdose, but not confirmed as of yet. Corey's had a hard fought battle against drug addiction that's lasted for more than twenty years. No word yet on how Corey Feldman is taking the news (the two have been inseparable besties since filming "Lost Boys" together in the '80's). R.I.P. Corey...
I normally don't like to comment on my picks for any given Idol season until we have a set top twelve. This is in part because from year to year it's always hard to know what the voting audience is going to do. Sometimes it seems that the voting truly does speak for all of us and other times it leaves you scratching your head (i.e. Chris Daughtry) ....So I try to withhold my thoughts until I can get a feel for what I think can realistically be the outcome. BUT... this season is a little different, in that for some reason the judges I feel have been sort of off their game. A great deal of talent graced the stage, but a large group of potential winners were sent home during Hollywood week and more than a handful of duds were given to us to choose from... So this season, I feel, can be narrowed down pretty easily early on...
By all impressions at this point I feel pretty confident to say that this is a girl's year. With that said, here's my picks...
In Order...
1. Didi Benami: I LOVE her voice and she's been my girl pick from her first audition. Vocally she is to me the female equivalent of Andrew Garcia, who I think could essentially be the dark horse in this whole thing and has a special spin on the sound I love.
2. Crystal Bowersox: Loved her doin' some Tracy Chapman and although she has been a frontrunner and a judges fave (which normally annoys me to no end) I think she has a lot of potential and possesses the wowing performance quality that can carry her into the final rounds.
3. Lilly Scott: She's got a different kinda thing goin' on and is super talented.. Always make me excited to see what she's gonna do each week and that my friends is the master key of stardom.
However, if the guys pull one outta the hat and take the gold this year it'll be either:
1. Andrew Garcia: Aforementioned my FAVORITE of the whole show and my pick to win it all from the very beginning.
or
2. Casey James: He's got all the goods; good voice, good body, good hair, good guitar playin', good smile, and great eyes... He's a hunk and let's face it, that could take him pretty far.
Via of Texts From Last Night: "(231) A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as the "Tim the Tool Man Show".. People born after 1990 are not people."
Let's be for Real... Sigourney Weaver is GORGEOUS... But sixty years in this business should be plenty enough to have learned that the Oscars is not a toga party, especially if the only other visual reference your outfit beckons is that of a blood clot...
Oh Charlize Theron, I love you so... and it is truly a tragedy that your beauty has been diminished by such a getup... It pains me to do this so I'll be brief. Three things:
1. You're supposed to stuff your bra from the inside.
2. Satin this cheap is usually reserved for mid western prom dresses.
3. Steaming your gown before you get to the red carpet is not optional.
P.S. The lady behind you wants to know why the back of your dress is crapping more dress.
My complaints about last nights looks were few and far between, I must admit. In my opinion this may well be the first Oscars in a very long time that didn't pack the punch of many "Holy Hell what is She wearing?!" moments. Although they were rare, they were not however, non-existent. I give you exhibit A... One very overrated Vera Farmiga who came dressed as a small intestine or Mariah Carey's bed skirt, can't be sure which. Either way it was nothing short of a disaster.
Dear Lord ... What in the world is going on with Judd Nelson? I'm not naive to the whole 80's vibe having died down for the Brat Pack.. I mean look at Anthony Michael Hall.. they've grown up, I get it, but aren't they supposed to look like regal adult versions of themselves? I haven't seen Judd Nelson in years but remind you this is a man whose two years YOUNGER than George Clooney. When I saw him I gasped in horror... Who is this and what have they done with Alec Newbary, or God help us John Bender?
P.S. My severe apologies if he is sick and/or dying of some strange illness... I both googled and IMDB'ed it and found nothing, but I am literally worried for his safety...
Umm ya.. so as TMZ reported the other day, apparently Simon got a little nipple happy..
Ooh say that three times fast.. little nipple happy -- little nipple happy -- little nipple happy... that's a tricky one...
Anyhow, during the final performance on American Idol Wednesday night, in what I have to assume was a subconscious moment, Mr. Cowell spends a full forty seconds playing with Mr. Righty... it's a pretty funny clip and the freudian in me can't help but wonder if it has something to do with Kara is talking about a relationship with her ex-boyfriend during said touch-fest... I mean I know he's supposedly engaged to his make-up artist but have you seen the two of them this season... jeezuss get a room... And someone needs to tell him that even though it's his last season, he needs to at least pretend to be interested in what's happening...
P.S. Simon's reported fiancee's name is Mezhgan (pronounced Bi-Otch)
I have no idea who this guy is... picapp says his name is Nick Clegg. I googled him and apparently he's a member of British parliament, but he and I share something in common... His face is a particularly perfect non-verbal explanation of how I've felt this week.. As you may have noticed I've been M.I.A. since Sunday and although I, knock on wood, have not been physically ill.. I've been quite off my game... truthfully it's just been one of those weeks, I think a combo of seasonal depression and cabin fever is to blame, but basically I've had an "ehh" sorta week. I wanted to write several times but nearly all news this week has been a bore-snore of otherworldly proportions.. Or at least it seemed that way to me, quite possibly because I was in said mood.
However, today is different, spring has sprung everyone! I was out and about this morning, driving with the windows down, singing Tracy Chapman and going to the car wash... watching people in the gas station parking lot make craigslist exchanges and complete strangers making small talk on their way in and out.. This is what life is about... Good weather, good music and good friends... so game on my people, game on...
